"Darkness exists to make light truly count, every single moment of happy and hurt I am reminded that I am human and I can only do so much."

- Jasmine Goh

A letter to my 10 year old self.

If I could ever write a letter to a ten year old version of myself.

I would tell her to stop worrying, to stop hoarding goals like gold and wishes like snow because worries float in water, they bob up and down but in the ripples, they get you nowhere.

I would tell her to stop counting. Stop counting the days, counting the good, stop counting the bad. Life is not a scoreboard of your ups and downs because no one is keeping score but yourself. There is no winning in life, there is only loving, and the measure of how well you have lived is not just a tally of your successes and failures.

I would tell her to stop whining because darling girl, the world ain't all about you. And there are people with as much hurt, as much grief, as much anger as your little 10 year old fists can hold, if not more. Unclench your fists, you are holding nothing but air.

I would tell her to start listening because there is so much more to learn from the stories of people around you than what you can know. Start listening, to the old, to the young, to the strangers on the bus because everyone has a story to tell and everyone needs someone to tell it to so why can't it be you.

I would tell her to start talking. There are so many words in your heart and your mind is filled with thoughts you deserve to be heard because someone will listen. And even if nobody does and you are yelling at a wall, yell away because your voice will echo, your words will be heard you have said your piece and it is out there for the world to hear. A little whisper of who you are for those who listen even in the quiet.

I would tell her to start loving. Open the cages that guard your heart and the walls that guard your mind and let yourself lay open and vulnerable. There is nothing more heart-wrenching than a heart weak from negelct, there is nothing more agonising than cold beds and empty chairs. Love to be loved because loving someone is infinitely better than being alone even if he doesn't love you because the tears, the aches, the frustration is a reminder that your heart is a muscle, it cannot be broken, only crushed and you are making it stronger. 

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If I could write a letter, to my ten year old self, I would tell her to treasure. 

To treasure the days, because life is short and fleeting. The day, be it rough or smooth sailing is another 24 h present from God and each day ought to be treasured because it is one more reason to be thankful for because today, you are still alive. 

To treaure the sadness because you are merely building capacity for an even greater happiness. The growing hollow in your heart is waiting to be filled, the pools in your eyes must be emptied to make space for hope and the time you spend under covers in your bed wishing each day was your last, is a break to get you ready to live out the rest.

To treasure the happiness because it will not last, your cheeks will grow weary from smiling and a frown will sit more comfortably upon your face. When your heart is lifted, remember that the one thing that science taught you was what goes up must come down, so enjoy your air time. Hoard your good days to ride out the bad, use your sunny smiles to dry up the tears and in your grief, remember that it was not always like this, you were happy, it is in you to be happy and you could be again.

To treasure the people, because everyone has something to teach you. The people of your life are fragments of who you are, and will help you stay who you are. Your enemies will teach you to be wary but brave, they will teach you that the world is not all sunshine and rainbows and not everyone can be trusted. They will make you strong your armour and leave you battle worn but ready. Your friends will teach you to share and to care, to love more than yourself and they will help you love yourself. They will be the mirror that reminds you you are beautiful and you will be the concrete that props them up when they are down. Your teachers will teach, stunningly obvious, they will be the painters, the sculptors, the poets who will shape your thoughts and chatacter. They will be the blinkers to make sure you do not stray. Your family will be your everything, do not lose them. 

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If I could write a letter, to my ten year old self, I would tell her to stop, to start, to treasure. Live out your days the best you will it to be, and start living, not just breathing because each breath means life. Live out your days as the best you possibly can because everyone makes mistakes but that is a reason not an excuse and you will be the best version you can because the people around you deserve better than the worst of you, they deserve the best of you although they accept both because even though I can't imagine why they would, they love you and that means they've seen you, and they accept you nonetheless and every time you falter you fail them because they believe more in you than you ever could. 

I would tell her to keep living, do not stop, do not look back. I know that life is tough, I know that tears fall freely and your heart may feel like a vacuum with your mind being sucked into a black hole of grief. I know that sometimes you wake up and wish that you didn't, I know that each step you take you drag your feet, I know that there are times you stare at your wrists thinking they look bare. I know that you spend too much time looking at the floor because too many times it felt like your heart fell out of you. I know that sometimes you close your eyes and imagine an endless darkness. 

I know these things. I know them because I am you, and I am talking to myself and this is a fervent wish, plea to myself, to the days that are made of sadness, to not forget, to not give up, to keep breathing. Because there are people who love you although it may not be who you wanted, there are good things in the world even though you may not see them because sometimes the shadows hide the light. Believe me, there is a whole lot of bad stuff that have been thrown your way but do not forget the good. Do not forget what it feels like with wind in your hair, and that rain makes you clean, ice cream is your best friend and your best friend will bring a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough with two spoons because you do not have to go through it alone. You are not alone. There is someone picking up your feet, someone holding up your neck, someone giving you CPR whenever it feels easier to stop breathing and someone to lend you their ears, their voices, their hands when you need to listen, when you need to speak, when you need help getting up. 

You are not alone. I will talk you through this. Open your eyes, and find me here.

- Rachel Gan